Dating Sites?

In my first few posts of 2009, I was in a relationship with a man who lived 200 miles south of where I lived. He lived in Queens, NY. I lived upstate. 

I’d met him on a dating site in 2007; a world I accidentally discovered one day after losing my best and longest full-time job since graduating from Broome Community College with my Associates Degree in Accounting. Having too much time on my hands I became curious about what was in my spam folder.

A word to the wise...and I’m not bashing online dating sites, by any means but...they are not for everyone!

The first thing you learn about perusing through the many profiles you see presented is that not everyone is completely honest. (Ahem...UNDERSTATEMENT!) Even when there is honesty, there is usually a hefty bit of exaggeration going on. The best advice I would give anybody is to take what you see with a healthy sense of skepticism until you get to talk to the person that catches your eye. Even after talking with someone, the wool can still be pulled over your eyes. The truth is though, and most people realize, that even knowing someone in person and spending time with them on a frequent basis, you can still be surprised by what you learn about a person, sometimes even years down the road. So, dating sites do serve their purpose providing you use a bit of common sense.

At any rate, I fell in love with this man and it turned out to be a very expensive experience for me by the time 2009 rolled around and HE finally broke up with ME! It is a long, ugly story of mental and verbal abuse, being lied to repeatedly and humiliated in a myriad of ways. It was a painful time for me and for my grown kids to watch their mother lose her marbles after years of depending on my good sense.

It would sound like I would be the LAST person you’d want to listen to for advice, wouldn’t it? But here is the lesson that I learned and I didn’t figure it out until I began studying ‘the mind’: You will never out-perform your own self-image!

 If you have a low opinion of yourself and you don’t feel worthy of a partner with strong values and ethics, you are doomed to attract someone that brings trouble into your life. But whose fault is it? It’s yours. You control your circumstances and over time, I will prove it to you.

For almost 2 years, I rationalized that I was ‘meant’ to take care of and provide for this man and his kids. I felt sorry for him and felt that he’d gotten a bad deal in life. I wanted to help and make a difference. Now, I know a few things I didn’t know before. 

There are such things known as ‘Boundaries’ and each of us has them and deep down inside we know when a boundary has been crossed. If you hold yourself in high regard and a boundary gets crossed, you make a decision about the person who has crossed your boundary. You may give that person a second chance and be wary or you will simply decide that the person does not belong in your life...say ‘NEXT’ and move on. I moved my boundaries until they were all but non-existent!

Years ago, I saw a poster that really made me laugh and I see now that it may pertain to me more than I care to admit but it always comes to mind when I think of my past. It’s a picture of the sinking Titanic and the caption reads: “It could be that the purpose for your life is only to serve as a warning to others.” J You can find it here labeled as “MISTAKES”: http://www.despair.com/demotivators-pessimism.html 

To continue with my critique on dating sites, let me also mention that I met a fair number of men who became very good friends and then I met my husband! There is no way I could have met him were it not for a dating site since he lived in Idaho and I lived in New York! To this day people still ask me how the heck we met living across the country from each other! So...I cannot bash dating sites. I can’t think of a single alternate method by which I could have met my husband unless one of us had become a trucker transporting potatoes across the country! J

That does it for today. In the meantime, mark your boundaries and trust your intuition if they get crossed!

Warmest Regards,

Cindy Hurd